Disconnect on Easter

Posted on April 9, 2012 by Katie

This post is going to be difficult to write. A big part of me feels as though I’m not allowed to feel some of the things I’m about to tell you – that I’m supposed to be 100% sure 100% of the time. That I’m going to be ridiculed for sharing this with you, or worse – condescendingly encouraged. But share I shall – I’m not typically a girl who lets fears or rules keep her from saying what needs to be said. And this is my blog after all – I’ll write what I want.

For some time I have felt a bit disconnected from the Lord. I can’t explain what it feels like – it’s almost as though I had eaten something funny, and my heart just wasn’t settling well or something. I just didn’t feel good. A few weeks ago, I finally was able to identify this unsettled feeling, and I quickly talked to Matt about it. I informed him that I thought I was having trouble really connecting to God in worship. I’m not sure what it’s from. I really do enjoy his sermons, and learn from them every week. I’m not sure if it’s that I’m not connecting with the worship style at our current churches or if I don’t feel I can truly be myself or what. I just know that something isn’t connecting for me.

Something that might be a huge factor in this is that I am a little too involved in the “doing” of church, instead of the “being.” We talk about worship planning; I help set up for prayer service; I keep an eye out for visitors or late-comers; etc. Let’s also remember that my professional life is all about the church as well. I am surrounded by church on all sides! Perhaps this constant exposure to it has made me a little callused to church. There’s not much that can be done about this though. I’m not about to quit my job or divorce my husband!

Yesterday during Sunrise Service, as I listened to one of the scripture readings, a tiny doubtful thought crept into my mind and immediately derailed me. “What if this story is just made up? It all seems so far-fetched, doesn’t it? I mean, of course all the disciples died defending this story, so it must be true, right? Oh my goodness – what am I thinking?” I just couldn’t shake the doubts out of my mind. This isn’t supposed to be happening, right? On Easter especially!

Last night I confessed this to Matt. I was shocked that he admitted that there are times he questions as well. He then shared that in those times he reassures himself by remembering that even if this is all just a fairy tale, that he’d rather spend his life living as though it were true instead of in the void of it being false. That’s a great point.

I then admitted that perhaps this is all my fault to begin with. I mean, my lack of personal bible study and personal prayer time could certainly have something to do with this momentary lack of faith. Also, I am sadly without a group to study and share with. When we were in seminary, I seemed to be surrounded by wonderful women of faith who were great for discussions, prayer, study, etc. When we moved to our first appointment, I locked in with a group of women who knew how to have fun and love the Lord together in very real ways. I have had a hard time coming up with something here in Veedersburg that measures up to either of those things. There is a very small group of women that I was meeting with regularly, but busy schedules and complicated life events have really put a damper on our meetings. Now Matt and I are getting ready to move, and I’m going to have to somehow find a whole new group. It’s all very exhausting to think about.

After I wrote my last post, I told Matt that, even though we spent hours talking about it, writing a blog post helped me to see things more clearly. Today I’m experiencing the same sort of clarity. Somehow writing about this makes it pretty clear that my personal faith isn’t going to just happen. I’m going to have to put some work into it to deepen it and strengthen it. Doubts and distance can be dealt with if I would only just devote some time to God.

As I type this, I can’t help but think of an old Nichole Nordeman song, “What If.” This video is quite terrible, but it’s nice to have the lyrics with it. Perhaps I’m not the first person to think “What If?”

So thanks for hearing me out today. I hope you all had a great Easter!

Here I raise mine ebenezer…

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Katie

It’s funny how quickly my emotions can shift. One day I’m plugging along with life, happy with my place and station and circumstances. The next day I’m weary from the crying, from the wondering, from the frustration of it all.

It’s my husband’s fault, really. He’s the one who chose the scripture for prayer service this evening. He’s the one who leads us through this lectio divina practice of meditation and prayer. He’s the one who read these words over and over and over again this evening:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
-Psalm 22:1-5 (ESV)

I closed my eyes, and tried to meditate on these words – tried to glean what God wanted me to from them. All I could think about was the fertility situation we find ourselves in.

Six and a half years of trying with no success. Four miscarriages. Countless nights of anxiety and worry and wondering and WHY? The better part of a decade spent welcoming babies belonging to siblings and friends – giving away pieces of my heart to each of them wondering each time if I will have enough heart left for any children of my own.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?”

Matt and I both feel confident that God has promised us a family. It’s been years since we both heard this promise, but aren’t God’s promises unchanging? To be counted upon? Is our God not the same yesterday, today, and forever? Our faith should not be moved! But then there are nights like tonight.

For months I have felt myself thinking thoughts like, “If we never have kids, that’s okay. I like it just being the two of us,” or “I’m so glad we don’t have kids. Our life would be so complicated!” With each thought I have been carefully arranging stones in order to build a wall of resolve. I have been resolving my heart to our current circumstances – steadying myself for the future my “what-ifs” have built for me. What if we don’t have kids? What if this never works out? What if we can never pay for an adoption or expensive fertility treatment? What if we become that couple who never had kids? What then?

“O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.”

Tonight in prayer service, I felt like God was making me look at that wall, and recognize it for what it was: Me hardening my heart against him and his promises – one rocky statement at a time – heaved with great sighs and plaintive resignation.

So this is where I am tonight. Weary from crying it out with God and talking it out with Matt. Sore from the hauling of stones never meant to be thrown. Still very unsure about where this road takes us, but certain again that God has our route planned.

“Yet you are holy…”

More prayers. More faith. More leaning on the promises. Perhaps it’s time to knock down this wall of stones, and build an ebenezer instead? Hither by thy help I’m come…

Is anyone still here?

Posted on April 2, 2012 by Katie

(*door creaks open – dust dances in the sunlight streaming through the dirty windows*) Hello? Is anyone still here?

Oh, right. I haven’t blogged since January 4th. That’s almost three months. THREE MONTHS PEOPLE! I’m sorry I have left you stranded. I hope you have found other forms of entertainment here on the interwebs. It’s been a little crazy here in my brain, and I’ve been busy with other things. I have been thinking about you though, and I’ve been jotting down some ideas for future blog posts. I know you’re all very excited.

So, to catch you up, here are a few things that have been happening since I blogged last:

I got pregnant again. And then I had another miscarriage. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I’m feeling much better. Yes, we’re going to continue to try. We’ve been speaking with our reproductive endocrinologist about our options. They are expensive, to say the least. (Anyone have $25K they want to donate? Kidding. Sort of.)
I officially launched a little space on the web for my photography biz. It’s definitely a work in progress, but I got some marketing tools set up, price lists set, etc. Check it out here: Katie Swisher Photography
Speaking of photography, I got to shoot my little cousin’s wedding last week. You can check out the photos here: www.katieswisherphotography.com/tuzzio It was a beautiful day! I love my little Sara so much – I can’t believe she’s old enough to get married (and move away to Oklahoma! boo-hoo)
The Super Bowl happened. It was kind of a big deal. It was in Indianapolis. That made it an even bigger deal ’round these parts. My brother’s band, Stereo Deluxe, played at a couple events celebrating the big game, and I snapped a few (hundred) photos of the band. You can check them out here and here. (P.S. Stereo Deluxe rocks! If you’re ever near a show, you must go. You can thank me later!)
And in more photography news, I got to do my first maternity shoot! My life-long friend Michelle got in touch with me to shoot her beautiful belly. It was so awesome to see her (it’s been way too long), meet her beau (adorable, charming Rod), and snap shots of her baby bump! Good thing we got together when we did – she ended up having that baby early! Check out the shots here.
I guess the biggest news that I have to share is that we are moving. What? Yes. Most of you know that Matt is an elder in the United Methodist Church, and that means that he serves a church under an appointment that is made by the bishop and cabinet. UMC elders are itinerant, meaning we go where they send us. Well, beginning July 1, we will be serving Smith Valley UMC in Greenwood, IN. We are sad to leave Veedersburg and Hillsboro, but we are excited about our new appointment. The first reason to get excited about Smith Valley is that it is located about 5 miles from where we grew up (and where most of our family still resides). We will be so close to our relatives – it’s amazing! I can’t wait to be able to visit our parents without having to drive an hour and a half. We’ll also be close to shopping, entertainment, etc. Another reason to be excited about this appointment is that there are some really cool things going on on Smith Valley that we can’t wait to be a part of! I know moving will be hard, but having great things to move toward will make this transition so much easier. There is a parsonage available to us, so we don’t have to go house-hunting or anything. AND there is a PERFECT (and I mean, PERFECT) spot in the house for me to set up a photography studio. I can’t wait to see what comes of that! There is equipment to buy (lighting, backdrops, etc.), but in the coming months, definitely be expecting me to ask for models to practice on.