August 11, 2009

I woke up this morning remembering…

I can hardly believe it’s been 5 years already. It seems like a bad dream, but the grief is strong enough to remind me that it was very real. 

So many people know our story. Sometimes I regret being as open about it as I have been. I think it would be easier to hide the pain and disappointment if few people knew. That’s never really been my style though. Good or bad, I’m an open book, and I can only trust that God will use my transparency to encourage others. 

This morning I have been listening to the “Hymn Project” album by Chelsea Moon & Uncle Daddy. It’s a beautiful album – bluegrassy and melodic and full of truth. I’m letting these harmonies pour over my heart like a soothing balm. Letting the words settle into the cracked and bleeding places in my soul like a healing salve.  “My name is graven on His hands, My name is written on His heart;
I know that while in heaven He stands No tongue can bid me thence depart”

Let me be honest for a moment, friends: Life is HARD. Death HURTS. Grief SUCKS. Perhaps your pain isn’t from death. Perhaps it’s from betrayal. Or from failure. Or from an illness that may never be overcome. Pain is REAL no matter how it comes. 

but…

BUT! I am so thankful that there is more. There is JOY! There is HOPE! These past few years have been difficult, for sure. But they have also been full of life and wonder and miracles! I refuse to allow the pain to drown out the joy. And if you hear one thing from me today, let it be that. Never let the pain steal your joy. 

Today I am crying – grieving the four children we were never allowed to hold in our arms. I’m sad for the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who they were never allowed to meet. But I know they wait for us in Heaven. I look forward to the day when we embrace. 

Until then I choose to look forward with JOY and HOPE! There is a little life out there waiting to come home to us. There is a birth mother out there waiting for us to open our arms to her child. We wait patiently for the day we will finally get to be called “Mommy” and “Daddy.”