>Matt and I watched Facing the Giants yesterday. We’ve been meaning to watch it for months now, and finally got around to it. I was touched by the movie, and here is where I begin to tell you why…

Let me start by saying that Facing the Giants is NOT my favorite movie…nowhere near it. It is your typical Our-team-sucks-but-watch-us-beat-the-odds kinds of movie that is intended to make you feel good and want to try harder in all you do. It’s a Christian movie as well, and in normal Christian movie fashion, the acting stinks. (Why, oh why can’t we have Christian movies with decent dialogue?) We found ourselves successfully predicting plot points, and laughing at the cheesiness of a lot of the scenes.

So why was I in tears at the end of the movie? Why would I take so much time out of my busy schedule to blog about a movie that isn’t really that good? Because Matt and I have some Giants we’re facing right now.

Life is really stressful for the Swishers these days. We are dealing with situations that make us feel angry and victimized and misunderstood. Satan is weaseling his way into our home like the jerk that he is, and we are feeling afraid and hurt and ready to quit. Our confidence is shattered, and we feel like we’re on-edge frequently.

Our hopes for a baby still have not been realized, and at times we are definitely feeling desperate and hopeless. God has been encouraging us lately through this struggle, but we still connected with the movie because of this as well.

As the movie closed, and Matt and I laughed at the cheesy ending, I couldn’t help but think about how many similarities we shared with the couple in the story. One glaring difference was clear though, and that is why I blog to you today. They prayed – we don’t.

We love God. We serve Him with our life and our vocations. We praise Him when things go well. We have never been good about praying together when we have trouble.

I just finished reading “The Shack” (AWESOME book – I’m sure I’ll blog about it soon), and in this book there is a lot of talk about sin and free will and God’s plan for creation. It became clear to me through this book that we sin because we ultimately want independence from God. Isn’t that just like us? Don’t we, as children, decide that we don’t have to listen to our parents, so we do our own thing? Don’t we get ourselves into trouble that way? Oy vey…what a predicament.

God desperately wants to be in relationship with us. He wants us to talk to him about our life, to consult him when there are decisions to be made. He wants to guide us, and he wants to help us become exactly what he intended us to be in the first place – dependent on him.

I don’t know what our future holds. It’s not really my business anyway. We may slay these giants, and we may not. Regardless of the outcome, it sure is nice to know that God is on our side, guiding us through the battle. Thank you Jesus…

>I’m not really sure where to start this blog. It’s been a rough couple days for me, but I’m so sick of talking about it, that I’d almost rather not say anything at all. I don’t think that now is the time to blog about everything that’s been going on, but I did want to write a bit this evening before bed. Maybe blogging about this will help me process it. Then again, maybe it will just stir up more emotions than I’m already feeling! (*CAUTION: this blog contains a few personal details that might make some a little uncomfy (especially the men). It’s not too graphic or anything, but I wanted to warn you…just in case!)

Matt and I have been trying for just over a year to get pregnant. Yup. That’s right. The biological clock has been ticking for a while now, and we decided to give in and go for it last January. Well, obviously since I’m not pregnant, we figured it would be best to chat with our doctor about it. I went in for my annual exam (ick) in January, and talked with my doctor then. The verdict is that I haven’t been ovulating. What?

*Lesson time: for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s a brief lesson. For conception to occur, the man’s sperm has to fertilize the woman’s egg. The egg is released from either one (or both) of the woman’s ovaries once every cycle. This is called ovulation. If I’m not ovulating, the sperm has nothing to fertilize, thus making the miracle of life impossible. My doctor put it eloquently when he said, “It doesn’t matter how much time the rooster spends in the hen house, if you’re not ovulating, you’re not going to get pregnant!” Let’s move on…

So, apparently he thinks I’m not ovulating. Because of this I have been thrust into the wackiest month of my life so far. Here is what it has looked like: The day after I went to the doctor, I started taking pre-natal vitamins every day. Apparently you can never be too healthy. I also started taking progesterone pills, and took those twice a day for 5 days. (Progesterone apparently made me have my period, which was about 16 days late when it finally happened.) After my period I started taking Clomid, a fertility drug, and took that for 5 days. Since then, Matt and I have been having sex every other day (come hell or high water) to try and make a freaking baby. (FYI: it’s not always as fun as you might think! There are nights when we’re just too tired, but we’re troopers, so we do it anyway.) Tomorrow I get to go back to the doctor to have blood drawn, and next week sometime I get to go to the doctor again to talk about my blood work. After all this, if I don’t start my period in a certain amount of time I am supposed to take a pregnancy test. If it is positive, I’ll let you know, so you can all start buying stuff for my baby. If it is negative, well, I get to do this all again next month. We’ll do this for three months, and if we’re still not pregnant, then we’re going to more drastic measures. Matt will be checked out, they will do an ultrasound on me to see if my tubes are open, etc.

Let me say this: it feels really good to have a plan. After 13 months of trying (and failing) to get pregnant, it’s really nice to have my doctor involved and to have the odds on our side for conception. I’m so blessed to have a great doctor and to live in a place where this is possible and to have a job that gives me great insurance to cover all this.

That being said: it sucks.

After all this time, money and effort, what if we don’t get pregnant? If I thought I was upset every month before, I can only imagine how disappointed I’m going to be if this doesn’t work. These artificial hormones have made me tired and really emotional (and I’m already pretty emotional already). I have said for a long time that I never wanted to be one of those couples that had sex just to have a baby. Sex is too much fun to turn it into work! Well, that’s exactly what we’ve done. Don’t get me wrong – it’s still fun, but sometimes it’s work. I have always thought it would be neat to know that we conceived our children in fits of passion and love for each other, not on a time clock.

I know that God works in crazy ways, but this is just wild to me! No one (to my knowledge) has ever had fertility issues in my family (unless you consider having too many children a fertility issue…arguments could be made I suppose!). My sister got pregnant in what seemed like a matter of minutes. Why can’t it be that easy for me??? (Meanwhile, I LOVE that kid! Kamryn is the cutest baby I have ever seen…)

Top this all off with the fact that there have been a lot of stories on the news lately about child abuse, baby killers, etc., and I’m just plain PISSED! Time magazine did a story on abortion a couple weeks ago too, and I can’t stand thinking about the fact that every day there are women out there killing the very thing that I want so badly. It literally feels as though my heart is breaking just a little every time I think about it.

Matt is very encouraging. He’s so supportive and loving…I don’t know what I’d do without him. I’m always amazed at how much God has blessed me with him as a husband. He’s the best, and I couldn’t have picked anyone better. I wonder sometimes if he’s more concerned than he lets on though. He’s really good about playing it cool just to make me feel better.

There are so many people in this world who have it worse off than me. I need to remember that every day. I also need to remember that I serve a God who loves me more than I can imagine, and who has my best in mind.

So friends, with that, I’m going to bed. I’ll keep you all posted on how things go. I covet your prayers. Love to all…