Author Archives: Katie

Here I raise mine ebenezer…

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It’s funny how quickly my emotions can shift.  One day I’m plugging along with life, happy with my place and station and circumstances.  The next day I’m weary from the crying, from the wondering, from the frustration of it all.

It’s my husband’s fault, really.  He’s the one who chose the scripture for prayer service this evening.  He’s the one who leads us through this lectio divina practice of meditation and prayer.   He’s the one who read these words over and over and over again this evening:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
-Psalm 22:1-5 (ESV)

I closed my eyes, and tried to meditate on these words – tried to glean what God wanted me to from them.  All I could think about was the fertility situation we find ourselves in.

Six and a half years of trying with no success. Four miscarriages. Countless nights of anxiety and worry and wondering and WHY? The better part of a decade spent welcoming babies belonging to siblings and friends – giving away pieces of my heart to each of them wondering each time if I will have enough heart left for any children of my own.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?”

Matt and I both feel confident that God has promised us a family.  It’s been years since we both heard this promise, but aren’t God’s promises unchanging?  To be counted upon? Is our God not the same yesterday, today, and forever? Our faith should not be moved! But then there are nights like tonight.

For months I have felt myself thinking thoughts like, “If we never have kids, that’s okay. I like it just being the two of us,” or “I’m so glad we don’t have kids. Our life would be so complicated!” With each thought I have been carefully arranging stones in order to build a wall of resolve.  I have been resolving my heart to our current circumstances – steadying myself for the future my “what-ifs” have built for me. What if we don’t have kids? What if this never works out? What if we can never pay for an adoption or expensive fertility treatment? What if we become that couple who never had kids? What then?

“O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.”

Tonight in prayer service, I felt like God was making me look at that wall, and recognize it for what it was: Me hardening my heart against him and his promises – one rocky statement at a time – heaved with great sighs and plaintive resignation.

So this is where I am tonight. Weary from crying it out with God and talking it out with Matt. Sore from the hauling of stones never meant to be thrown. Still very unsure about where this road takes us, but certain again that God has our route planned.

“Yet you are holy…”

More prayers. More faith. More leaning on the promises.  Perhaps it’s time to knock down this wall of stones, and build an ebenezer instead? Hither by thy help I’m come…

 

Is anyone still here?

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(*door creaks open – dust dances in the sunlight streaming through the dirty windows*) Hello? Is anyone still here?

Oh, right.  I haven’t blogged since January 4th.  That’s almost three months.  THREE MONTHS PEOPLE!  I’m sorry I have left you stranded.  I hope you have found other forms of entertainment here on the interwebs.  It’s been a little crazy here in my brain, and I’ve been busy with other things.  I have been thinking about you though, and I’ve been jotting down some ideas for future blog posts.  I know you’re all very excited.

So, to catch you up, here are a few things that have been happening since I blogged last:

  1. I got pregnant again.  And then I had another miscarriage.  Yes, it sucks.  Yes, I’m feeling much better.  Yes, we’re going to continue to try.  We’ve been speaking with our reproductive endocrinologist about our options.  They are expensive, to say the least. (Anyone have $25K they want to donate? Kidding. Sort of.)
  2. I officially launched a little space on the web for my photography biz. It’s definitely a work in progress, but I got some marketing tools set up, price lists set, etc.  Check it out here: Katie Swisher Photography
  3. Speaking of photography, I got to shoot my little cousin’s wedding last week.  You can check out the photos here: www.katieswisherphotography.com/tuzzio It was a beautiful day!  I love my little Sara so much – I can’t believe she’s old enough to get married (and move away to Oklahoma! boo-hoo)
  4. The Super Bowl happened.  It was kind of a big deal.  It was in Indianapolis. That made it an even bigger deal ’round these parts.  My brother’s band, Stereo Deluxe, played at a couple events celebrating the big game, and I snapped a few (hundred) photos of the band.  You can check them out here and here. (P.S. Stereo Deluxe rocks! If you’re ever near a show, you must go. You can thank me later!) 
  5. And in more photography news, I got to do my first maternity shoot!  My life-long friend Michelle got in touch with me to shoot her beautiful belly.  It was so awesome to see her (it’s been way too long), meet her beau (adorable, charming Rod), and snap shots of her baby bump!  Good thing we got together when we did – she ended up having that baby early!  Check out the shots here.
  6. I guess the biggest news that I have to share is that we are moving.  What? Yes.  Most of you know that Matt is an elder in the United Methodist Church, and that means that he serves a church under an appointment that is made by the bishop and cabinet.  UMC elders are itinerant, meaning we go where they send us.  Well, beginning July 1, we will be serving Smith Valley UMC in Greenwood, IN.  We are sad to leave Veedersburg and Hillsboro, but we are excited about our new appointment.  The first reason to get excited about Smith Valley is that it is located about 5 miles from where we grew up (and where most of our family still resides).  We will be so close to our relatives – it’s amazing!  I can’t wait to be able to visit our parents without having to drive an hour and a half.  We’ll also be close to shopping, entertainment, etc.  Another reason to be excited about this appointment is that there are some really cool things going on on Smith Valley that we can’t wait to be a part of!  I know moving will be hard, but having great things to move toward will make this transition so much easier.  There is a parsonage available to us, so we don’t have to go house-hunting or anything.  AND there is a  PERFECT (and I mean, PERFECT) spot in the house for me to set up a photography studio.  I can’t wait to see what comes of that!  There is equipment to buy (lighting, backdrops, etc.), but in the coming months, definitely be expecting me to ask for models to practice on.  🙂

I’ll try my best to blog more frequently.  Sorry for the hiatus!

So, how have YOU been?  🙂

Is there really anywhere to hide?

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I’m a large woman.  I didn’t get this way by eating lots of salads and running marathons – I realize this.  I got this way because, for years, I would eat large meals, snack often, and move very little.

If you know me in real life, you may have never seen me eat a lot.  When I’m with other people, I tend to make my meals a bit smaller.  I don’t snack nearly as much – if at all.  I make healthier choices.  I don’t know if this is just a quirky thing that I believe or if fat people every where believe this, but when I’m with other people or out in public, I believe wholeheartedly that everyone around me is watching what I eat and judging me for it.  In the small part of my brain that functions on logic, I understand that this is untrue for the vast majority of people, but I know from personal experience that there are people out there who judge obese individuals harshly – especially when they are eating.  Do you see a large person eating his second piece of pizza, and think to yourself that he should put it down?  Do you see a fat woman having a salad during lunchtime at the mall, and secretly congratulate her for going on a diet?  It happens, and it’s not always kept quiet.  This post can quickly turn into a very long essay on how America’s new unhidden hate for fatties is just another civil rights issue, but I don’t want to digress.

Because I believe I am being watched by harsh critics, I have always tended to do my worst eating alone.  The TV is the danger zone for me.  Another danger zone is the car.  If we’re driving a good distance (which happens frequently now that we live in a rural area and I work 50+ miles from home), I like to have a snack in the car.  Something about the snacking keeps me focused and awake and not bored.  (I understand this is a problem.  There is no need to e-mail me or comment about how much of a problem this is.)  I have noticed in the past that, if I was snacking in the car and we pulled up next to another vehicle, I would try to hide the fact that I was eating.  It’s just another opportunity when I believed I would be judged.  Sad, but true.

I don’t know why it never occurred to me until recently, but a few weeks ago I had an epiphany about this.  I can hide my eating habits from others, but I can’t hide them from myself (or from Dr. Wilk, thankyouverymuch). My jeans KNOW that I eat too much.  One look at the high numbers on the tags in my closet will tell you that I eat too much.  I may feel like a skinny girl on the inside (which I do), but I am indeed fat on the outside.  There’s no hiding it.  I can wear black and vertical stripes and Spanx all day, but you’re not stupid – neither am I.  I have bad habits.  I’m sure you do too.  Perhaps your bad habits wreak havoc on your lungs, on your liver, on your bank account, etc.  My bad habits show up as pounds for all the world to see and judge.  There is nowhere for my bad decisions to hide.

These past few months I have made some successful strides in eating less, eating better, and moving more, but I would be lying if I told you that my poor eating habits are totally erased.  Matt can tell you that I have a serious weakness for Culver’s french fries.  He can also tell you about how easy it is for me to eat way too much of anything whenever we’re lounging around watching TV.  It’s going to take some time for me to get exactly where I need to be – if it ever happens at all!  Things are slowly changing, and I think that’s okay.