>Another one bites the dust…

>Another pregnancy that is.  Crap. What a crappy, crappy day we had yesterday.

Things have been fine – no complications (that we could tell, anyway) at all.  About a week ago I started feeling like I was getting more energy and not feeling as sick.  Many people encouraged me to not worry about the fading of my pregnancy symptoms – that I was just getting closer to the 2nd trimester.  It’s true – it happens for most women that way.  They were right to encourage me. But apparently our little baby had died.

Without boring you with gross details, I became a little concerned yesterday, so I called my doctor.  He said he wasn’t worried, but that his schedule was a little open yesterday, so he had me come on in.  He tried to find the heartbeat, but couldn’t.  Still not worried, he sent me for an ultrasound so we could get some peace of mind.  We went for the ultrasound, and were devastated to see our little baby there – no movement, no heartbeat, nothing. Just laying there like a dead baby in a balloon or something.  It was horrible.  I will never get that picture out of my mind.  We went back to the doctor, sobbed and made plans to have a DNC next week.  Not looking forward to that surgery at all.  I have only been put under once, and that was when my wisdom teeth were removed.  Not only will I be out, but the procedure will be much more – ahem – INVASIVE this time.  Ick…

I feel awful.  Physically I feel fine, but emotionally I feel awful.  If we had the means and wherewithal to pack up and move far, far away, I think we might.  I want to run away from all the sideways, half-smile condolences we’ll be getting over and over and over again now.  The hugs and the “I know it’s going to happen for you” and the “next time don’t tell everyone so early” comments.  I am barely handling my own grief – I can’t stand to have to handle everyone else’s too.

The first miscarriage was covered in peace – for a time anyway.  This one just feels raw.  Unfair.  I feel foolish for letting my body trick me once again into believe that we might be getting to have children.  I feel foolish for letting myself get excited, even though I am well aware of my history.  I feel like we are becoming “those people” who never have kids and who spoil their nieces and nephews rotten.  Not that “those people” are bad or anything – far from it.  I know many of “those people” who are my favorite people on the planet.  It’s just not what I want!

I look at my husband and I marvel at the amazing man that he is.  I know that he would be a fantastic father.  I long to be able to give that gift to him, but so far I have been very incapable of doing so.  It just hurts.  It hurts beyond words.

So that’s where we are.  I’m not sure how this is going to go for us.  I have a feeling this grieving period might be a doozy.  I’m just so angry about it.  I’m trying to stay distracted, but that will only put off the pain for so long, you know?

I’m sure my writing will fall by the wayside for a bit.  Just when I was getting better about it…

Thanks for your love and your prayers and your sideways half-smiles.  I know they mean you care for us.  Forgive me if I just can’t receive them well right now…


>10 Weeks

>Here we are at 10 weeks.  I know I just posted the 9 weeks post on Saturday, but I was late on that one.  Sorry!  This one is a little more timely…

1. How am I feeling this week?
10 weeks has me feeling not as nauseous or tired, but a little more cranky.  Okay, maybe I’m a lot more cranky.  I can’t tell if it’s a hormonal thing or a “I’M REALLYd TIRED OF COLD, WHITE, WINTER! BRING ON SPRING BEFORE I SNAP!” thing.  I feel like my belly is protruding a little bit, although not really much more than last week.  I continue to treasure the time spent either wearing my yoga pants or not wearing pants at all…  

2. What is new this week?

New this week is ACNE. 😦  I haven’t had a horrible break-out yet, but I have a few zits that have popped up suddenly in the last couple days.  I’m thinking I might have to try paying more attention to washing my face twice a day and moisturizing well and all that.  If my Grandma Alice ever found out how poorly I care for my skin, she would surely have my hide.  Please just keep it our little secret, mkay?  Another new thing this week is that I bought a belly band! My friend Aimee strongly suggested one, and I figured I’d give it a try to help alleviate some of the issues I’ve been having with my pants.  I haven’t tried it for a full day yet, but will probably do so soon.  It seems like it will work pretty well.  I tried it on tonight, and I think it will be good.  It’s got to be better than investing tons of money in new pants.
3. What am I excited about this week?

I seem to really be getting excited about the fact that this pregnancy could work out.  That we might actually be bringing a baby into our home in a matter of months!  We decided over 5 years ago that we wanted to starting having children.  For many years we couldn’t even get pregnant.  When we were finally able to get pregnant, we lost the pregnancies in miscarriage twice.  So far this reproductive process has been nothing but disappointment for us.  Here we are, pregnant for a third time, and we have had zero complications and have gotten to 10 weeks.  Could it be that this might actually end well for us?  It’s hard to wrap my mind around it after so much heartache.  It seems a little backwards, doesn’t it?  Most pregnant mommies can’t imagine losing that little one growing in their bodies.  I can’t seem to imagine mine growing to full term.  I have been having flashes of a daydreaming though – more lately than even a couple weeks ago – that we have a nursery in our home with well-loved toys and soft blankets and a cooing baby  warming our arms.  I’m hoping the farther along we get in this pregnancy that these fantasies seem more like a reality that we’re destined for rather than a dream.   
4. What am I nervous about this week?
Compared to most of the other anxieties I have been having lately, I know that this next one is rather silly.  It has been bothering me all the same lately though.  We have a dog named Pork Chop.  He’s a very loving dog, and fun to play with.  BUT – Pork Chop LOVES stuffed animals.  Most dog love tennis balls or chewies or whatever.  He LOVES stuffed animals.  He thinks they all belong to him.  He has tried on numerous occasions to steal them from small children who happen to bring them in our home.  This concerns me greatly.  I know he will steal baby toys, and will probably destroy them.  It’s really bothering me lately!

Also, I spent some time yesterday at my dear friend Jaime’s baby shower.  I sat at a table with some girlfriends (and new friends!) chatting about babies and childbirth and all that.  Oy frickin vey.  The childbirth stories the mommies at that table shared were a little too realistic. *gulp*  I’m not stupid when it comes to these things.  My sister and I are very close, and she has had two children and shared many details with me.  I have read books and talked with other moms too.  BUT – I think some of my memory of those conversations must have disappeared when I got pregnant.  I got a little freaked out yesterday talking with all those gals!  Poor Jaime – she’s going to face it a lot sooner than I am!  I’m sure I’ll get the dirt from her too… Oh my.

5. What am I craving or having aversions to this week?
Not really craving much or being turned off by much at the moment.  I still experience some frequent extreme hunger, but I can’t seem to figure out what I want!  It’s really frustrating, and it makes those cranky feelings mentioned in the first question really come out.  Cravings would be welcome at this point.  At least I would be able to figure out what it is that I want when it’s time to eat!

There we are – 10 weeks and counting.   I’m 25% of the way through.  According to Baby Center, the baby is now a full-fledged FETUS, and his/her major parts are all in place and set to grow rapidly in the next few months.  We’re still praying for a healthy pregnancy, although at this point all signs seem to be good.  We will be visiting the doctor a week from today, and he hopes to hear the baby’s heartbeat in the office that day.  I’m not sure what we’ll do if he is unable to hear it.  Hopefully he’ll send us over to the hospital for an ultrasound right then, because I don’t want to live with the anxiety if we can’t hear that baby.  That’s my fervent prayer this week.  Let’s hear that strong heartbeat next week!

>9 Weeks

>Technically, tomorrow I’m rolling over to 10 weeks, so I’m a little late posting this.  Sorry!  I haven’t had much time at my computer this week (other than work – which is CRAZY right now).  Here we go!

1. How am I feeling this week?
At 9 weeks, I am starting to feel the nausea and exhaustion subside just a little bit.  Still fairly tired and unmotivated most of the time, but I have had spurts of productivity this week!  Not sure that the state of my house reflects that very well, but I’m trying.  I’m feeling fatter this week.  I feel like my belly is starting to stick out a bit more, but I guess I could just be bloated or something.  Wearing regular pants is really starting to be a chore.  I DREAD having to button those things!  Don’t ask me to lift my shirt – I’m probably unbuttoned when you see me!

2. What is new this week?

New this week…Well – I am sleeping a bit better this week.  I spend an ungodly amount of money on a Boppy total body pillow.  It helps to have a pillow between my knees, and regular pillows just kept slipping off the bed in the middle of the night.  I think it has helped, although I’m not sure Buster likes it too much.  He’s trying to find new ways to snuggle when we sleep, and so far he hasn’t found a spot that he’s happy with.  Matt says he doesn’t mind the monster pillow, but maybe he’s just being nice!

3. What am I excited about this week?

Names! We’ve been talking names a lot.  We’ve pretty much settled on a boys name, but we’re still thinking about one for a girl.  We can’t seem to totally agree on that!  I’m sure we’ll let you know what names we choose at some point.  Just not today!  We had names picked out when we were pregnant in 2009, so it seemed obvious to just use those names.  The sad thing is that I feel like those names were for that baby.  When I say them now, I just don’t feel like they fit anymore.  I know that’s weird.  It’s hard to name a baby that we’re still not sure will ever be born, but I imagine that most parents start thinking of names early on.  Am I right about that???  

4. What am I nervous about this week?
I think I’ll be anxious about a possible miscarriage for a long time.  You just never know.  Things are so promising right now because I’m feeling lots of symptoms of a healthy pregnancy (nausea, exhaustion, back pain, breast pain, weight gain, etc.), AND I haven’t had any spotting or bleeding like I had in both of the other pregnancies.  I just know that anything can happen though, and we really don’t know what’s going on in my body right now.  We’re trusting that our little baby is growing and thriving, but the “what-ifs” never really go away.  

Also, I’m kind of nervous about how our life is going to change with a baby in the house.  This is definitely something we want, but the changes are going to be scary all the same!  We have been married 8.5 years, and have become comfortable in our “just us” life.  Suddenly we’ll have to go to a fairly regimented schedule as far as bedtimes,  meals, cleaning, etc. goes.  We seem to be exactly opposite of that right now!  We go to bed whenever, get up whenever (unless we have work), eat when we feel hungry (could be 6:00, could be 9:00!), etc.  I’m not the best housekeeper either, so thinking of how I’m going to have to improve myself that way is daunting too.  We will do what is best for our new family, but it’s going to be a huge shift around here.  

One more thing I’m nervous about is my health.  I’m really overweight, and have fears about the complications that may (probably will) bring to the table.  In my head I know I need to be eating better and getting some exercise, but right now I can hardly stay awake through the work day!  My nausea and cravings have me wanting to eat things like popcorn and sprite and I really don’t have much interest in salads right now.  I’m hoping this doesn’t last long.  I did get on the treadmill yesterday morning for just a little bit.  I cut it short though because some serious hunger pains took over.  Next time I’ll remember to eat breakfast before I try to do that again!  

5. What am I craving or having aversions to this week?
This is a question my friend Courtney suggested I add to my weekly posts, and I quickly agreed!  From the beginning of the pregnancy until now I have been craving hot dogs and corn dogs.  It’s so weird, I know.  I’m a foodie for crying out loud!  These are horrible things to eat!  I can’t help it though.  They are SO GOOD.  I’m starting to crave cherry slushies (also, really not good for me).  They feel so good on my upset tummy!  Pizza is almost always a good idea for me, but that’s true even when I’m not pregnant.  And I just discovered something that’s becoming a craving: Chip’ins by Popcorn, Indiana.  They’re popcorn chips, and they’re AWESOME.  Only three ingredients: popcorn, sunflower oil and sea salt.  This makes me so happy!  Plus, they are naturally low in fat (only 2.5 grams per serving).  They seem to fulfill the cravings I’ve been having for salty things without making me feel like I’ve eaten anything really heavy.  You can get them at Walgreens, Walmart and Whole Foods I hear, although I have only been to Walgreens for them.  Go buy them.  Make them the most popular item in the store, so more places will carry them!  

Aversions?  I have really NOT wanted salad lately.  Something about the lettuce or whatever – I don’t know.  I just sound AWFUL right now.  So weird too, because I usually LOVE salad.  Also, steak hasn’t sounded all that great, or any big cuts of meat for that matter.  I like ground beef or shredded chicken, but to think about eating a whole steak or whole chicken breast just makes me a little blah.  My appetite really seems to change by the minute though, so tomorrow I may be wanting steak for every meal!  

So that’s that. Me at 9 weeks.  I’ll be putting up a 10 week post in the next couple days.  Thanks for praying for us!!!